I’m a big fan of a particular editorial in a weekly paper that highlights women who have risen to the top of their field. It poses interesting questions about tackling today’s trickiest situations in the work place. I suspect if I was starting out now it would be an invaluable source of help. As it is, I read these articles and ponder what these women’s views mean to me now, and whether they would have changed any decisions I made along the way.
Very few of the articles however have posed conundrums where the woman in question was literally the only female in the room. I suspect, and hope, that that is a rarity now, although we are not exactly even-stevens in the boardrooms yet!
Rewind twenty or so years and I was starting my career in the Live Music Industry. Let’s be clear, I was not the person performing the music, but part of the backstage team that made it happen. That backstage team being…well, male. Totally male. Male and me. Ooh, could be a title for a book. Occasionally I would meet another women, doing what I did, and we would eye each other suspiciously, as one would a mirage. But in the main, it was lots of men. The men at the top of the tree in the 90s and noughties were the guys who had literally created the industry, mavericks who made a billion dollar global industry.
I worked producing tours for some of the world’s most iconic music acts. Household names with legendary stories. It was in every sense very ‘Rock and Roll’. My job was two part: the first office based, interacting with suppliers, production teams, promoters and Artist Management. All were male. Yes, you would come across female PAs (everyone had one of those….had to have them to keep track of the endless and lengthy booze/coke filled lunch meetings that were a regular part of life). But women actually doing the work….hmmm, not so much.
The other part of the job was being on tour. I regularly toured with bands where I was the only female backstage (apart from maybe the odd lady in the catering team…..top tip: if you ever want to eat amazing food, go on tour with a great band, and you will literally double your body weight in a few weeks).
The tour crew are like a family, albeit a family that didn’t think twice about watching back-to-back porn on the crew bus, making lewd comments or occasionally making a pass at you. I genuinely never thought there was anything wrong with that. It was just the way it was. I could either get offended, and frankly get another job, or accept it and crack on with my work. I was lucky in that I never felt threatened, nor discriminated against, I was just was a bit of an anomaly. I suspect the reason it worked for me was because I didn’t bat an eyelid at the antics. If I had, not only would no one have cared to listen, but I would have found life indescribably difficult if I had chosen to take offence.
So for me, the first thing I learnt was — You don’t always have to ‘fight’ in order to create a change.
I’m not saying put up with abuse, but you can choose whether to take offence. Finding a mind-set that allows you to feel at ease can often be easier than fighting a situation that you can’t win.
Now was their behaviour acceptable? Probably not. But do I care? No. Would I care if a younger female colleague was put in that situation now? Part of me says yes, because every work place should feel equal and accepted, but part of me says that life is difficult and you have to learn to create boundaries, be clear with people as to what those boundaries are, and do it in a way where you gain respect and not enemies. I had some of the best times of my life out on tour and that was because I found my place as a woman in a man’s world, created boundaries, and quite simply got on with the job.
Second thing I learnt: No job is worth having if you are being diminished as a person.
In my mid twenties I was working for a particularly difficult individual. He drove us all demented with his appalling behaviour and attitudes. But (as typified the music industry in the 90’s) he was bloody good at what he did.
I was taking a work call with a supplier, reviewing a contract. I was having a busy day but the boss clearly was not and I realised, mid call, that he was listening in. He got up, walked over to my desk, without saying a word, put my call on hold, walked back to his desk, picked up the call on his phone and started in with the words “OK, let’s start this conversation again, but do it properly”. This was neither surprising, nor out of the blue. It was just that days example of belittling behaviour. But on this occasion, I inherently felt that a line had been crossed.
During the remainder of that call I typed up a three-sentence resignation letter, stating my owed holiday, contractual period of notice and my leaving date (the following Friday). I printed it, put it in an envelope, placed it on his desk, got my coat and walked out….all whilst he finished his ‘proper’ call.
I returned the next day to finish the last week and a half of work. I had a new job waiting for me by the time I left his employment (there’s nothing like necessity and lack of income to force you to find that next job). The loss was his. Not mine. Never let another individual control you, or imply to the wider world that you are less than you are.
Third thing I learnt: being the only woman in the room gives you power (if you choose it to).
I recently went to a meeting of 15 senior individuals on a project. I was the only female. I have to say that’s not happened in a very, very long time. But boy did it bring back memories of when this was totally normal. It also brought back a weird sensation of feeling empowered. Now I realise that makes me sound like a total narcissist, but I suspect it was just some sort of tactic I taught myself for when I was deeply outnumbered when I started out in Music, and then the Sport industry.
Going in as the ‘odd one out’ surely gives you something of a bunk up in the pecking order? I don’t want to be the same as everyone else, I’m kinda glad I am different. The trick for me was to give off an aura of confidence because subconsciously if you are the odd one out people do tend to watch — whether that’s to call you out, or to take your lead.
I was told once by a female colleague that I sit like a man in meetings. I was sort of shocked when I heard this (initially thinking that I was doing some sort of man-spreading — which my mother would be horrified about). She went on to explain that she had watched the other women in a particular meeting sit with a closed body language that made them smaller in their seated space. I, apparently, sat like a man, with my arm over the back of the chair, opening out to apparently take up more space than my allotted chair. She said I was sitting in the same way as the men in the room.
Initially I sort of felt embarrassed on hearing this, but I realised that I had probably inadvertently learnt this from all the male dominated rooms I had been in. I suspect it’s just one of the tactics I adopted to assert my power in a room.
It’s OK to recognise the difference between men and women (learning number 4).
Not having a willy wasn’t the only difference between me and my male counterparts. I am not talking about intelligence, and I am not talking about capability, I’m talking about ‘approach’. I’ve never found that men and women approach a project or a problem in the same way. As women we can be more emotionally driven in our decision making. And a bloody good thing it is too. I want decisions I make to be based on the emotion it inspires within me. OK, I work in industries where we are inspiring emotions in the people who come to our shows or events, so I think it’s absolutely right that my emotionally-driven decision making has a place.
We’ve all met women trying to be men in the workplace, and we’ve all come across women who are working their femininity to get on top (not literally I hasten to add). I find both of these rather weird and disconcerting. Gender should not play a part in how we behave in the work place. But, acknowledging there are differences in genders is not wrong. We can approach and analyse in a different way, and those elements of my make up, those that make me different, are not something to hide, but to use.
Lesson Five: Having a heroine doesn’t half help you reach for the next wrung on the ladder.
There was one woman in the live music industry, who frankly was something of an icon to me. She was one of the most successful individuals in the music world (still is) and frankly had bigger balls than most of the men. She was terrifying and awe-inspiring in one amazing package and whether she knew it or not, gave us girls who were trying to be something other than ‘make-me-a-cup-of-tea’ employee, a vision of where we could go. Thank you, Emma. You scared the living crap out of me, and I wanted to be you every day for all of those early years of my career.
Having a strong, successful female role model in your chosen line of work helps us realise there is literally nothing stopping us getting to the top. I would go so far as saying often the only people stopping us achieve are ourselves. Yes, so there might be individuals who don’t believe we can do it as women, systems that support men, and traditions that mean we are outnumbered. They are just hurdles. Hurdles are built to be jumped over. Every time we jump them we make those hurdles slightly smaller for the woman behind us.
Much has changed, even in the last two years. The Music and Sports industries are unrecognisable in the way they work. I hope it is easier for those coming in to these industries now, but secretly, I bloody loved the first years of my career when I had to forge my own path. Wouldn’t have changed it for the world. Often the path less travelled is the most fun.